Mental Moments

Archive for October, 2008

As social beings, our desire for connection is a deep and powerful force within us. Babies who do not experience connection with a caregiver do not thrive or may even die. Deep connection with another is one of the greatest joys in life.

Yet for many people, this deep and joyous connection eludes them. Try as they might, they cannot seem to find the connected experience that they so deeply desire.

There is a very good reason for this.

Many of us were brought up to distrust our own feelings and experiences. I was consistently programmed to disconnect from and discount my inner feelings, experiences, and inner knowing. Instead, I was taught to trust an external source – my parents – to define what was right or wrong for me, good or bad for me. The more I learned to disconnect from my feelings and my inner knowing, the more I disconnected from my authentic Self and sought connection from outside myself.

I tried to connect with my husband through being whatever I thought he wanted me to be, and he tried to connect with me by trying to have control over getting me to be what he wanted me to be. We were a perfect pair! No wonder our deep connection with each other rarely lasted for more than a few minutes at a time!

The problem is that can cannot authentically connect with another unless we are connected with our authentic selves. If we are not defining ourselves from within, then we consistently attempt to define ourselves eternally, by doing whatever we can to have control over getting love, approval, attention, sex, agreement, and so on. We confuse true connection with the momentary good feeling that comes from getting what we want from another. We think that relating to another from the wounded ego part of ourselves and getting what we want to feel externally validated is connection. It is not.

Connection with another is a mutual experience of sharing our authentic selves with each other and each receiving caring, understanding, and support – the mutual feeling of being received and cherished for who we each really are. It is truly one of the highest experiences in life. But this wonderful experience is not possible unless we are both able to share as our authentic selves. It is only when we are deeply connected with our own feelings, our own thoughts, and our own inner knowing/spiritual guidance that we can authentically share ourselves.

Sharing our wounded ego selves is sharing who we have created ourselves to be to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. There is no reality, no truth, no authenticity to our ego wounded self. Authentic connection is not possible from an inauthentic part of ourselves. No matter how much you may want the joy of authentic connection with your partner or others, it cannot occur until you authentically connect with yourself.

The practice of Inner Bonding is a powerful way of healing the ego wounded self and discovering your authentic self. Read the rest of this entry »

You’ve probably heard this idea at one time or another. You’ve probably nodded your head in agreement understanding that thoughts are, in fact, things. You probably believe this and accept that your thoughts, being things, do in fact have power.

Have you really thought about this? Do you apply this to your day-to-day life? Hopefully you do, because your every thought and word is contributing to your life experience.

For openers, your thoughts produce your emotions which, in turn, result in how you feel about a particular event occurring in your life. It has always amazed me how people can walk around feeling a particular way and not understand that it is their own thoughts, or more accurately what they are telling themselves that is producing the feeling in the first place. This is why two people can look at the exact same event and have opposite feelings about it.

You are creating your own reality, moment by moment, with the thoughts you choose to think and what you say, both to yourself and others.

Let’s explore this a little further. Most people will agree, and science can demonstrate, that everything in our world is a field of energy and therefore has a particular frequency. The chair you’re sitting on, your car, your cat, dog, you and everything else including thoughts, have a field of energy or vibration. Recent scientific work has identified particular ranges of frequencies and scientists are able to measure them. Interestingly enough, negative energies, like anger and rage, measure very low on the scale, while positive energies like those given off by prayer and meditation reach the highest measurements. Read the rest of this entry »

Many people have the ability to truly care and receive joy when caring from the heart. Yet even very caring people sometimes find themselves using caring as a form of control.

Take a moment right now to think about a situation today in which you were caring – at home, at work, with a friend, or with someone you don’t know such as a salesperson or a waiter. Are you willing to be completely honest with yourself regarding why you were caring? If you are, then go inside and notice if your caring had any outcome attached to it. Is there something you wanted from the other person? Is there some reason you were caring other than caring for the joy of it?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Was there some part of me that was trying to control what the other person thought of me? Was I behaving in a caring way to get attention, approval, validation, love, time, or sex?

• Was there a part of me hoping that my caring would result in monetary gain? Was I acting caring in the hopes of getting the other person to trust me enough to participate in some way that would bring me more money?

None of us like to think of ourselves as manipulative, yet we all have a part of us that wants control over getting what we want, and we may have learned to use our caring as one form of control.

While caring as a form of control may seem to work at times, it will never bring you joy. Read the rest of this entry »

“We never seem to be able to solve any problems,” Kaylee told me in a phone session. “Every time we sit down to solve a problem, we end up fighting. It doesn’t really matter what it is about – it always ends up the same. Is this normal? Aren’t couples supposed to be able to solve problems?”

“Kaylee, who usually initiates problem-solving talks?”

“I do.”

“When you ask Hayden to talk with you about a problem, how does he usually react?”

“He usually rolls his eyes, but he sits down with me.”

“Do you have any idea why he rolls his eyes?”

“Yeah. He doesn’t want to have to change.”

“So when you ask him to sit down with you to solve a problem, he knows that what you are really after is getting him to change, is that right?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“And then what happens?”

“Well, I tell him what is not working for me and what I think we should do about it and then we end up arguing.”

“So, your intent in talking is to solve the problem by getting him to change, is that right?”

“Well, yeah! He is the one causing the problem for me!”

“Kaylee, as long as you believe that he is causing your unhappiness, you will continue to be unhappy. I have a suggestion for you to try. Instead of trying to get him to change so that you can feel better, try not talking about problems at all. Instead of talking with him, open to learning about what you can do to solve the problem for yourself. Read the rest of this entry »